Chapter 1

Woof! Woof, Woof.

That’s dog for “Hello, my name’s Ben.” I’m a dog. You have probably guessed that already, what with the barking and the fact that I have a tail. I am very proud of myself. What you might not know is that I am one of the biggest breeds of dog you can get! I am about four bazillion times bigger than a Pug. On a scale of one to ten I am a twenty seven. 450%. I don’t understand numbers very much, but I know I am MASSIVELY IMMENSE.

I have a kind of scruffy grey fur the same colour as the sky on a stormy day. And I love my collar. It’s bright green like raw cabbage and has a tag on it with my name. The best two legs in the world gave me this collar and he is called John.

John’s awesome. He is about the same height as me and rides on my back. He is much shorter than the other two legs, the big ones, the ones who are in charge, but he is the one who tells me what to do. He is my owner and I would follow him anywhere. I have followed into some pretty strange places. He once rode on my back to battle fourteen dragons and a whole army of knights. We never did find the dragons, but Mittens the cat got a good chasing that day. Mittens loves to be chased. I once chased her up a tree and she loved it so much that she spend two days up there and would only come down when the big two legs got a ladder and went to get her. But I think she wanted to stay up the tree because she raked her claws right up his arm when he picked her up. I don’t know why but I got the blame for that.

“Yotabig Ben,” they would say. I don’t know what a yotabig is but I don’t think it a nice thing because it is what they call me when they get angry.  John never calls me a yotabig, he just hugs me tight around my neck and I don’t ever want him to let go.

John does have to go sometimes, he goes to a school. I don’t want to ever go to a school. They make him sit still all day, and do things with numbers. I don’t understand numbers very much. Did I mention that? Everyday, when John comes home, I meet him at the door with Action Fred, the best action figure ever made. I get so excited I jump up and down. I can be a bit clumsy sometimes. Last week, on Tuesday, I got my paw caught on the curtain behind the door. I’m so massive, I accidently pulled the whole thing off the wall, rail, screws and everything.

“Yotabig Ben!” the big two legs would cry.

Dinner times are great around our house. John eats sausages a lot and the big two legs are always making them. I like sausages too, almost as much as I like sweets, and John would wait till the big two legs were talking and he would nudge a sausage towards the edge of the plate. Most dogs would not even see this happen, but I did. My head is at the same height as the table so I march up to the plate and snatch my sausage and swallow it whole.

“Good grief, Yotabig Ben.” The big two legs would shout.

Bedtimes are nice. The whole house goes quiet and I get the whole of down stairs to myself.  Except for Mittens but I keep her happy by chasing her out the cat flap quick enough. I sit on the settee, run around the kitchen, have a drink from the bowl of water they keep next to the bath. I did get in trouble last Wednesday when I was having a little stroll around the kitchen and my tail was having a bit of a flap. My tail, by the way, has a mind of its own. I have no control over it but it follows me around and behaves most of time, so we get along. Last Wednesday my tail was not behaving, it swept a load of glasses of the side. Big two legs was very upset when she came down to see what all the noise was about. “My crystal glasses! They were a wedding present from Great Aunt Mabel. Yotabig Ben. Yotabig!” I had to sleep outside that night. Mittens put a brave face on things though; she sat in the window smiling at me.

The next morning, I knew Mittens would have missed me, so I gave her an extra special chase around the house. She went up the curtains, behind the fridge, even hiding under the bath. She thought of loads of great hiding places but I found her every time. I may have become ever so slightly over excited because she finally gave up hiding in the house and ran outside; through the cat flap. I, in my exuberance, followed her; through the cat flap. Uh-oh, I thought. This is bad. My head was completely stuck. I tried going forward. No, my body is even bigger than my head. I tried reverse; if it went in it should come out. I pulled and pulled. Tugged and heaved. CRACK! I was free! Well sort of. My head was no longer in the door, but neither was the cat flap. That was around my neck like a collar.

“What have you done?” The big two legs asked.

“Woof.” I told her, but I don’t think she was interested in my excuses.

“Yotabig Ben!” She shouted at me, again.

On Friday we went for a walk and I accidently pulled big two legs over. He landed in a puddle. He was not happy. To be fair, Bob the Jack Russell was calling me rude names from across the park. He didn’t have a lead on and was calling me names. I ran over to ask him why he would try and hurt my feelings. I forgot about the lead, and dragged big two legs over.

“Yotabig Ben!” he shouted. John was much more fun when we went on walks. He would throw Action Fred and I would run to get him. Good times.

Things were very quiet in the house after John went to bed on Friday night. The two big two legs were talking quietly in the kitchen. I stayed out the way, they were probably still angry with me. I was waiting to be shouted at and sent back outside. But it never happened, two legs looked sad and sighed when she looked at me. Her eyes were leaking before she went to bed.

John came charging down the stairs on Saturday Morning. I love Saturdays, no school. “Ben! Ben! We’re going for a trip today. With no lead!”

The big two legs, however, were even grumpier than usual. We got in the car and drove for ages and ages. Driving past houses, then shops, then roundabouts, then allotments and football fields, then farms, and finally trees. Thousands of trees.

I was ecstatic. A walk… in the woods… with no lead… Squirrels, here I come. I bounded from the car and shot straight through the bushes and off after the first squirrel I saw. A little, grey nutter that only went half way up a tree. I was almost tall enough to jump up and get it. It got a lucky escape when I spotted a rabbit in the distance and off I went. Before I knew what I was doing I was miles from the car. Miles from John. I could hear him, faintly calling my name. I bark in return and head in the direction of his voice. But it was getting fainter. The more I searched the quieter it got, until I could no longer hear them. I did not give up though. I searched and searched. I followed the scent of the rabbits and squirrels I had chased. I picked up the scent of John. I chased it down till it suddenly stopped in the car park. The empty car park.

I looked down and saw a tiny leg sticking out of the mud. I pulled on it to reveal Action Fred!

“John will want this.” I thought to myself as I turned and set off in the direction of home.

The rest of Ben’s story can be found on Kindle here or in paperback here.